The story is finally out about Albert Pujols and his addiction to prayer.

Based on random supplicant sampling, it has been determined that the slugger is a regular user of prayer. Confronted with these accusations, Pujols says he derives extra confidence and strength from prayer, and he has been seen participating in group activities (known among users as "services") to facilitate his addiction. Such meetings take place in locations he calls "church".

While the Cardinals manager could not be reached for comment on this story (OK, I didn't really try), there is speculation that this kind of activity is not limited to Pujols. Up to 50% of the Cardinals players may be involved in some form of prayer, especially when facing certain pitchers. The recovery period from this kind of addiction has not been well studied, but it is known that people who practice prayer regularly find it very difficult to shake the habit.

To be fair, it is expected that baseball authorities will take steps to limit the amount of prayer offered by any one player or team. Fearing bias, teams like the Los Angeles Angels may be forced to seek a more agnostic name.

When asked if Pujols could become the all-time slugger of, well, all-time, many have said "He doesn't have a prayer". Oh yeah?